Do we live in wardrobes?

Can we wake up the next day without feeling the effect of yesterday?
Can we be happy and bubbly in front of everyone without feeling that deep piercing cut?

Who are we, which numb the inner most feelings and act as if nothing happened at all?
Who are we?

Fakers?
Actors?
Hiders of our true self?

They say be who you are. Be yourself.

What if, everything around you seem like objects which freezes as time passes by, are you not you who do not want to care about anything around you?
What if, deep down all you are is broken, are you not you who just wants to bathe in tears?

Be who we are?

Can we, in this world?
Can we, when people expect us to be fine?

Or, are we who we are based on how we want others to perceive us?
Based on who we in our minds think we are?

Do we live in wardrobes?
We hide in it when we are down.
When it’s time to get out, we enclothe ourselves.
No matter the condition or state.

It’s been a thought-ing week.

Title up to you, down to me

It’s been weeks. Of real physical and mental work. Last week I just had my common test. Oh my, so much to remember!

5 hours of sleep during the first day, 4 hours of sleep during the second day, 3 hours of sleep during the third day, and so it decreases. Yeah, who asked for it? Must be that someone who didn’t bother reading up during normal schooling days.

Two years of being the first in class and arts stream, not having any direct competitors, I am expecting much from myself. Yes, I admit that I am kiasu. And this kiasu-ness became worst when I realize that hey, my class has a handful of “potential” students.

It’s not that I like feeling that way, but I just don’t know why I do feel that way! Sometimes I even have to think twice, trice, about how I should act towards them, without making them feel that I’m kiasu. I simply don’t want to be kiasu! I don’t want my friends to become my threats…

Yet, in the middle of it all, my silent struggles, I broke down. I terribly, terribly feel so “stressed”. (I mean, hello, Tien Hui being stressed? For some reason people seem to say that I do not exert any pressure on myself, and that in itself somehow makes me so stressed! Aiyohh!)

Breaking down in the midst of tests, isn’t a very pleasant thing, but what got me out of it was simply this: I don’t have to be the best to excel in what I do.

Doing my best is one thing… I mean, I personally believe that I wouldn’t exactly know my best. If I study 30%, my best would be 30%. But then, that’s not exactly my best, because I know that I’m supposed to do is 100%. Again, would anyone possibly be studying 100%? Or can anyone be 100% ready for an exam with uncertainties around?

During the week of MYPG itself was like heading into battle with my thoughts and stands. Do you know the feeling of, “Alamak, this one have to do, that one also have to do… I don’t have like two separate bodies with the same person loh!” Hahha. Maybe not the last part…

It’s like your life is on a Keluk Kemungkinan Pengeluaran (KKP).

Kos lepas merupakan pilihan kedua terbaik yang terpaksa dilepaskan kerana memilih pilihan yang terbaik.

Contoh: Dengan RM 4, individu hanya boleh membeli sebuah buku nota atau sebungkus nasi campur. Jika individu memilih untuk membeli sebuah buku nota, maka kos lepasnya adalah sebungkus nasi campur. Jika individu memilih untuk membeli sebungkus nasi campur pula, maka kos lepasnya adalah sebuah buku nota.

If I am so involved in church activities, then my kos lepas would be my studying time. If I’m into my studies, then my kos lepas would be my time spent on church activities. Can there be a balance of both? Equally being involved in serving in church and studying well? Or would I be outside the KKP because of kekurangan sumber tenaga dan masa?

If there cannot be a balance, would there be some change? Hahh.

I mean, if there cannot be a balance, would it be a good excuse or reason to give and not serve? Since I cannot handle my own responsibilities as a student?

Would I be a good Christian example if I do not do well in my studies because of time spent on church activities?

What would God think, what would the people around think?

What would be my stand, which leaves a mark on people’s lives?

What would come first, church or studies?

Preparation during the week for MYPG gave me inputs of these. I missed a few days of study, and therefore, I had to miss MLM on the following Tuesday. As thought, would I be a good Christian example if I do not do well in my studies because of time spent on church activities?

Anyways, Translating the pray items into BM (which I thought was easy), took me about two days! If it weren’t for my Jiejie who translated the songs and Uncle Zechariah (Mr Matthew) who helped me with Biblical terms, I probably would not have finished it until today! (Unsur hiperbola, please give some charity laugh, on the count of 1.. 2.. 3! *thunder rumbles, clouds starts crying*)

I really, really appreciate their help!

Yeap.

My brain’s exploding.

Better catch what’s great, or else it’ll go to waste.

Save the earth.

Be grateful for randomness.

And.

Father, can I please have some heavenly wisdom?