I MISS YOU

Hahha. Do I sound as if I’m in love?

It’s not eros, it’s philia.

Sometimes I wonder why I hold friends so close to myself.
I hope they won’t die suffocating.
Oi, I need to let them breathe! Explore and discover!

Just that.

MISS YOU, why must distance/silence tear me down?

Just.

Let go, gurl.

Nafaslah.

breathe

Let me take a breather.
I’m breathless for words. Thoughts.
Breathe of Life, breathe into me.

Aside from the laughter, making a few teachers smile, playing mahjong cards and trying to hit the books, school this week has been draining. Or so, I feel.

We did not have MUET lessons this whole week (had MUET speaking trial) and some teachers did not enter the class towards the end of the week. Draining, despite that “ease” of not having to do homework or study an extra topic.

Issues unresolved.
Split between decisions.

That is just the façade.
The interior: praying, crying, thinking. And thinking. And praying.
Furniture carved with detail: I belong to the Light.

Well, MUET is six days away, and I have to prepare for Lower Six orientation week and exams. 
Dark clouds gathering. Maybe some lightning would do good.
I’m looking ahead, at least, trying to.

I’ll remember to bring my umbrella, Ella, kay 🙂

the problem with me.

The three of us walked towards the school gate.
The teacher on duty and the guard were standing there.
From a distance, the teacher asked,

“Awak tinggal kat mane?”

My friend and I answered at the same time.

She said,
“Lian Seng.”

And I said,
“Kluang.”

My voice drowned my friend’s voice.
The guard laughed out loud (literally).
The teacher’s face changed.

“Sini!”

We stood in front of him.
He looked straight into my eyes.

“Cikgu tanye betol-betol ni, tapi masih bleh jawab macam ni. Tak bleh jawab baik-baik skit eh?”

“Masih bleh ketawa?!”

I did not realise that I was still smiling. For whatever reason.
Quickly put off my smile.

“Jangan ingat dah tingkatan enam dah jadi pandai eh.”

“Pukul brape datang sekolah?”

Silence.

“Esok saye tak nak tengok kamu semua lambat lagi.”

Off we went.
Felt really terrible, not only because I realised that I said something in utter disrespect right after saying it, but also for involving my friends.
Apologised to them before reaching the prefects.
Names were jotted down.

And of all days, that day they caught all the late comers.
Encik Halim and Encik Sofian were hanging around the stage.
Late comers were gathered there.
We walked towards them.
I felt ashamed. Encik Halim is Dad’s ex-colleague.

Looked at watch, it was 7.30 am.
I thought to myself, I’m not that late.
But I had to admit that I was still late anyway.

Waited a little, then principal gave us a lecture.
At 7.50 am, Encik Sofian gave us five minutes to pick up ten pieces of rubbish around the canteen.
Put bags down.
Started. Ended.
No one reached ten. The most was five.

Went back to stage to get my bag.
Encik Sofian was standing there, and he asked jokingly,

“Nangis eh?”

“Ye cikgu. *fake sobs* Insaf.”

“Insaf? Insaf?! You insaf? Hah! Saye pun mau ketawa ah!”

Smiled at him, headed to class.
In actual fact, I really was insaf.
But I guess no one in school would expect me to feel that way.

Entered class, it was MUET period.
After telling why we were late, Miss Chang asked where X was.

“He went to the Disipline Room.”

“Why?”

“Because of his hair.”

“Because of his size.”

And the class roared with laughter.
Miss Chang tried to hold back her laughter.
She was smiling all the way through and asked,

“Tien Hui, what’s wrong with his size?”

“Nothing.”

I said it out because the thought of him being caught for his size was funny.
But I knew I said something terrible, again.
Sigh. Just when I told myself not long ago to shut up.

Miss Chang asked us to draw something on a blank sheet of paper.
Something that represent us.

I drew a nail.

nails

Nails are usually used for joining things together.
Like when you build a house, you’ll need nails to build it.

And that house that you build, can be used for two reasons,
either for something good or for something bad.

Nails remind myself that I have a choice to choose,
whether to do/say something good or bad.

hammering

Sometimes each nail you hammer, and hammer and hammer, hurts people deeply.
Sometimes when you accidentally hammer your finger, it causes you yourself to hurt at the same time.

hammer-nails

If you pick up a nail of insult, its impact can be deep.
If you pick up a nail of encouragement, its impact can be deep.

However, I failed.

To choose the latter.

Jaybee

Four bus loads of SMKTHO students headed to Plaza Angsana, Johor Bahru, for “Karnival Pengajian Tinggi Negara: Jom Masuk U” organised by the Ministry of Higher Education.

There was more than one booth. Less than a hundred booths.

Booths were set up by people. Malaysians, I should think.

Well, I earnestly wanted to find out about the communication/media/graphic communication courses public universities offer. Sad to say, it was to total letdown. Worth a century of sighs.

Firstly, the booths had only such limited space. Thus, unable to set up an atmosphere where a Q&A session could go on between university representatives and students.

Secondly, representatives were not prepared to answer any questions asked. For the first few booths, feeling excited and spirited, I posted a few questions to them. The first two university representatives were well prepared. Replies were pretty satisfying. After the third and fourth booth, I gave up.

Thirdly, Malaysians mentality of “BARANG PERCUMA!!! MESTI AMBIK!!”. Since I gave up asking questions, and being a Malaysian myself, I joined my fellow Malaysians in Kempen Collect-Them-All. Not bad, I can say. Two hours of walking = two notepads + five ball pens + a file + a small paper bag + a plastic bag + brochures.

On hindsight, I spent half my afternoon with Jonathan Si. Met up with him at around half past twelve, went to Bandaraya Segi Empat/City Square.

Got tickets for Yasmin Ahmad’s TALENTIME! And as usual, the counter girl had to ask TWICE, if we wanted to watch a MALAY movie. And as usual, I corrected her: MALAYSIAN movie.

Alright, although they have every right to ask twice or trice, since it’s categorised as a Malay movie, but that look on their faces… Makes me perceive as if I don’t own the right to watch MALAY movies?

Anyways. Had lunch and off to the long awaited movie! Woohoo! 😀 Two hours and four minutes later, we rushed off the Larkin. Phew. Reached there like six and a half minutes before bus departured? Hahha.

Well well.

Jaybee.

What shall I say?

It’s unlike Kluang.

In some ways.

Which is good.

Hahha…

Here are some of my favourite scenes:

Melur on the bike with Mahesh just after she learn that he was partially deaf - she had such satisfaction by just being in his presence despite his shortcomings.

Melur on the bike with Mahesh just after she learn that he was partially deaf - she had such satisfaction by just being in his presence despite his shortcomings.

Melur and her second sister arguing - really reflects middle child syndrome! Although I'm the last child. Hahha.

Melur and her second sister arguing - really reflects middle child syndrome! Although I'm the last child. Hahha.

Hafiz's mother sharing her joy of bringing him into the world - tears were rolling down my cheeks man!

Hafiz's mother sharing her joy of bringing him into the world - tears were rolling down my cheeks man!

And, the last scene, the Talentime event - reflects on the process of getting to that day of event, not merely the award/who won and lost.

And, the last scene, the Talentime event - reflects on the process of getting to that day of event, not merely the award/who won and lost.

Also, some songs used during the show:

I Go
So long, fare thee well
The dancer and the dancing days have taken leave and fell
So turn down this bed of stone
Quench me with the deadly nightshade from the rose that you belong

The long December rain is falling now
Running down on streets to nowhere
Music is my life – you’re my sweetest nightingale
But I can’t hear it here no more
And I go
I go

Hush now, don’t shake or break
Words have fallen silent like soldiers to the grave
No matter what they do or say
Lay me on the sleepy meadow by the tracks upon your face

– Words & Music By Pete Teo. All rights reserved 2008

ISH.

in this dreadful silence of the night
lying with my eyes closed tight
visualising screams of raging frustration
oh, the reign of devastation!

sound of seconds ticking
all is at a standstill; motionless
is it not a game my mind is playing?
a world of my own, i’m thoughtless.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!
TODAY IS THE STUPIDEST DAY OF THE YEAR!!

Sigh.

Well, anyway. Lately, my thoughts:

1. Never underestimate Counseling Rooms
– Managed to get hold of a few prospectus of public universities, and they even have a whole compilation of them (course offered, subject requirements, etc. of each university)

2. MUET (Malaysian University English Test) is coming
– Extremely soon, 25th April.
– Recent MUET test on Paper 4 (Writing) was a letdown. Only scored 50.4 over 90.
– The quest for Band 6? Sighs. Will have to be so much more than Indiana Jones.

3. More thoughts
– If your surname is Foo after you get married, please don’t name your child April.

Hahha.

Actually, nothing when wrong with me.
It’s just that today’s April Fool’s Day (the stupidest day?). And the poem was simply. A first time trial for something that rhymes.

Hahha.

Yeah, happie April Fool’s Day!