the silent presence

it makes a difference, although you all may not know it, but we appreciate it..
you all faster come back la..
that’s why i was so sad when you all left..

such words,
they encourages me
to see how much you all have grown,
and realise that we cannot journey life alone.

it may be a tough and challenging path ahead,
and discouragements may have been seeping in..
uncertain if there is a glimpse of hope..
but keep holding on to Him,
keep pressing on, keep moving on, keep trying.

thank you.
for sharing so openly.

my perspective on coming back has changed =)

“Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity,
let us do good to all people,
especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

(Galatians 6:9-10)

only by His grace.

at the end of the day, i wonder who i really am.
i ask myself when did i ever become such a monster.
is that really me? is that really who i want to become?

people’s presence in life lights things up.
as we celebrate life together, and journey alongside.
but yet sometimes, i find myself being such a cruel senseless and selfish presence.

yes.
selfish.
and all i think of is.. myself.

everyone wants attention,
but all in different ways.
mine’s as bad as hurting others.

we talk about others,
and i find myself falling in that same category.
failing to practice self control and view the consequences.

nevertheless.. we fall, and we rise.
may we all have the strength to pick ourselves up.
only by His grace.

🙂

I’m making them Yours :)

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I’m making them yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

(Don Moen)

+ –

Initially, I wanted to type an emo post here..
but then as I was just reflecting on past events throughout these few weeks, I guess there’s much to be thankful for =)

Yeap, last two weeks was indeed an experience of. Um.. what they call as ‘uni life’?
Monday and Tueday presentations, Wednesday test, Thursday presentation, Friday to Monday assignment, Tuesday and Wednesday tests, and.. *pheww*
And people ask how come first years so busy -_-”
Even my partner for Titas, who’s in her second year thought I as in second year cos I had so many things.
-_- again.

Books we borrowed for assignment.. Some of them are pretty good reads!

Hearing people say how fun and easy going uni is.. makes us first years go, “Where got la.”
Is it that we take them too seriously? Or is it that we are memang busy mizzy?
Hahha. Guess for now, I shall just quote from Mr Accountant Ooi, “You all kena tipu dy la..”

Amidst all these, I’m learning to be satisfied and contented in Him, that He brought me through it all, and my presentations in BM wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I found myself speaking pretty fluently in BM without having to translate them from English in my mind! (yes, i’m amazed!)

And although I tak sempat study much for all those tests (i’m not that smart in tikam-ing haha), and one of my results that came out dy wasn’t good, and I have a bad bad feeling about the rest, including my assignment.. laying it at His feet, cos it’s over!
May these lead to better times ahead 🙂

Next up, I thank God for friends! =D
I’ve been finding myself so introverted these days due to few events and observations..
Been wondering (since i entered uni) how people can say stuff like, “Eh, you’re in the same course/desa with me? Never noticed/realised..”
When at the back of my mind it’s like.. I’ve seen them before, I’ve observed them all these while for so long.. but you never noticed me (or it could be simply anyone else).. How can?

I mean, it’s not like I want people to take notice of me or anything, but how can people be that unaware of their surroundings?
Even though there may be friends all around, but.. doesn’t that show how inward focused people can be?
Neither am I saying that I’m such a super duper great observer of my surroundings, but it’s just new to me. It wonders me leh.

Anyways, I’m grateful for all me friends, although they may not be the perfect friend I want them to be, but I’m learning to adapt, accept and appreciate that friends can be as simple and fun as I want them to be =)

some of the people i hang out with.. (shandy's nice on a hot night!) btw, the first one on the right is my roomie =)

and a jogging pal! =D

(More pics of kawan-kawan on FB. Too many and lazy :P)

To end, I wanna say that Ezra has been a cool book to study on. (so random i tau. haha.)
That kept me going on in times of saya-dah-nak-putus-asa.
Brighter tomorrows with Him! (even in the midst of seemingly dark stormy scary days)

Kuterpaku – GMB (click to listen)
Dalam rembulan dan cahya mentari
Di gelap badai dan indahnya pelangi
Dalam tangisan dan wajah berseri
Kan kutemukan kasih terbesar bagi dunia ini

Diam kuterpaku
Dan ku takjub akan kasihMu
Yang tergores indah
Dalam anug’rah
Hatiku milikMu

Indah kuterkagum
Dan kubawakan hidupku
Kau membuat hatiku
Menjadi baru
Bahagia ku mengenalMu

Bridge:
Kuterpaku melihatMu
Kuterkagun memandangMu

this week..

Everyone (including me) squeezing in to fill up the tutorial slots

Yeap, I joined the squeeze too!
For the thrill of it! Hahha.
But yeah, partly, also cos I was there earlier than the rest, and when they came, they just started squeezing!


part of me table

Went for medical check-up at Pusat Sejahtera (clinic in campus).
Heard from people to go early, like at 5pm, cos there’ll be lotz of people..
So I did, went after class at 4.45pm (ended earl), and there were people waiting there already!
Well, was early enough, completed it in 1.5 hours =D
Some of my friends took 3 hours or so, cos mesin panas (prob the x-ray) and they had to wait.
It was basically x-ray, weight, height, urine test, eyesight, blood pressure, brain..
Hahha..
The interesting part of all these was meeting people while waiting, talking about how “apex” USM is. lol.
And also the x-ray! Me first time!

where i've been living

Me room!
Have you been curious how my room looks like? hehe.
It’s pretty big, I must say.. compared to some others..
I’ve got space to walk, a pretty big writing table..
Actually when I first came I was kinda surprised at how okay-ly furnished it was.
Cos I remember entering my brother’s room when he first entered USM.. so narrow and small and dark!
Grateful, grateful!

yums!

Few of us tried some meatball spaghetti near my hostel, and it’s not bad!
Me likey the meatballs!

on a gloomy Tuesday

Tuesdays are a urgh.
Firstly, have to wake up soooo early for TITAS (Tamadun Islam dan Tamadun Asia) class..
It’s a compulsory subject for everyone..
Dah la boring, so early in the morning some more!
Secondly, there’s 2 more i-dun-really-like classes after that..
Another 4 hours! ahhha..

waiting for 4.50pm haha

Today’s only lecture..
I had to try to keep myself awake.. and interested?
Look at their faces.. hahha..

What is a loss, without pain?

A loss comes with pain.

Even the smallest, and meaningless thing that is lost, causes pain.

A mechanical pencil,
a slip of paper,
an eraser,
a paper clip.

Deep deep down, we know that it may be small, but it isn’t that meaningless to us. In fact, we feel.. at a lost.

It was once ours, but now, it’s gone. Not found.
We wonder where it is, and when we can’t find it,
we wonder why such carelessness or forgetfulness exist in us.

The dissatisfaction.
And frustration.

The helplessness.

It hurts.

What more a loss of a “bigger” thing?
Or a person?

“We are a people of habits.”
We are attached to things around us, to people around us.

Losing something or someone, brings us to our senses.
Of who we are, what we have done, and how we’ve arrived there.

A million thoughts and questions run through our mind.
A million should have’s and could have’s.
A million if only’s.

But yet, deep deep down, we know, that a loss, is lost.

We shrug, and slip into escapism.

Because we know, it hurts to live after a loss.

Yes, we know that a loss of something is replaceable.
But we also know, that it wouldn’t be the same.

It’s worth, and value to us.

It becomes, j u s t a n o t h e r ‘ t h i n g ‘ .

J u s t . . like any other thing.

And yes, we know that a loss of a person, isn’t replaceable.
But we also know, that when we wake up each morning, it wouldn’t be the same.

His presence, and memories together.

It becomes, j u s t a n o t h e r d a y w i t h o u t h i m .

J u s t . . like any other painful day without him.

The lost, doesn’t struggle.
But we, do.

And at the end of the day,
we all, have a choice.
To choose, to live forward, or to live backward.
To let go, or to hold on.
To try and try, again and again, or to tell ourselves we can’t.
To take the bright hard way or the dark easy way.

—-
Living forward hasn’t been all smiles,
but instead tears, and more tears.

To acknowledge, understand and fully accept,
this lost and this pain.

To keep focusing forward, and not dwell on this lost and this pain.

To keep moving, and not look back.

To believe Faithfulness, and not be dismayed.

To hold on to His promises, and not doubt.

May we all realise that:
A loss comes with pain,
but pain can be at lost.

They leave, and we live.

They ran.

They ran over us.
Trickle of blood.
Ugly thoughts.

They ran away.
Stained clean.
Captured images.

They ran towards us.
Shadows, footsteps.
Silent stares.

They ran with us.
Burnt heart.
Unbeatable price.

An accident scene? Or not? Hahha.

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