what do you do?

what do you do, when your heart and mind isn’t where it should be?
what do you do, when you start to feel the mundane?
what do you do, when you’re afraid of the journey ahead?

for all the worries, fears and in the midst of the mundane,
all i can do is hold on to God.
and surrender to the ever trust-able God.

(i’m feeling so so so emo-ish and homesick-ish now. and i’ve only been back in uni for 15 hours. a mixture of being too hard on myself, worrying, and laziness. to my second semester, with much love and grace. i’ll get better. just need some time to. =)

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only by His grace.

at the end of the day, i wonder who i really am.
i ask myself when did i ever become such a monster.
is that really me? is that really who i want to become?

people’s presence in life lights things up.
as we celebrate life together, and journey alongside.
but yet sometimes, i find myself being such a cruel senseless and selfish presence.

yes.
selfish.
and all i think of is.. myself.

everyone wants attention,
but all in different ways.
mine’s as bad as hurting others.

we talk about others,
and i find myself falling in that same category.
failing to practice self control and view the consequences.

nevertheless.. we fall, and we rise.
may we all have the strength to pick ourselves up.
only by His grace.

🙂

Today, I am reminded..

..that the world isn’t all nice and wonderful.
That people aren’t all friendly and lovely.

We were at Kampung Paya Community Hall to help out in the mooncake festival outreach program for kids, and I parked my car beside Sean’s.
Wasn’t far off the hall we were heading, but it couldn’t be seen from there.
The event lasted for about three hours.
Sean went to get his car, and found out that his car’s back seat window behind the driver’s seat got smashed.
He drove into the hall compound, Zhi Howe told me what happened: Dashboard drawer opened, CDs scattered, car seat wet (was raining).. but nothing missing.
My first reaction (in my mind): Whattt?!
My next reaction: My car’s parked beside his!

Zhi Howe teman-ed me to go get my car.
Nothing happened. *phew*
Although while unlocking my car door, I thought what if those people ambushed me.

We got back to see Sean.
And then Sean suddenly remembered that his bag’s gone.
The Puma bagpack we bought for his birthday last year, filled with clothes, Bible given by Jit, all prepared to go for Fast Wait Pray (FWP).
No valuables. Good thing!

I followed him to the police station to make a police report..

While waiting, had some thoughts:
I may not 100% understand what he feels..
but I can understand how it feels for something like that to happen.
How it feels to be in shock..
And realise that it’s your mistake..
That it could have been avoided IF only..

How it feels to be in the police station for the first time..
Waiting..
The sense of hopelessness when you’re unable to report details..

How it feels to be grateful, and yet, sad and angry.
Trying to be optimistic, but yet, reality kicks in so badly.
The lost of things, although may not be $ valuable, but it had sentimental value..
Knowing that it’s a slim chance of ever getting them back..

It all reminds me of.
That one incident, with a snatch thief.
Which is enough to make me reallyy aware.
To make me fear each time I hear a motorcycle.
To make me realise that motorcycles have different colours..
To make me realise, that the world, isn’t all that nice and wonderful.
And people, ain’t all that friendly and lovely.

Yet, when I think back of the time I went jogging after a week or so after that incident,
of how I was reminded that good people still exist.
People who smiles and give positive remarks along the way..
People who are genuine.

Oh, what a world I live in!

it’s ten to five in the morning.

And I’m hungry.

And that’s putu mayam along the road to Times Square.
It was goood! And cheap! Hahha.

Accounting and Finance, I must conquer you that makesnosensetomenow!
I’m a tough cookie!
Did I say I was hungry?

*licks arm*

I think I taste great too.

Long weeks.

Exams drained my brains, and of course, sleep.

Straight after exams, headed to KL for Korkor’s wedding: lots of travelling, suffering in that killer shoes (high heels), and lots of eating.

After wedding, went for ESPlosion VIII.

Back from camp, carolling practice, YMI video, shirt, and 24th candles.

Towards the end, I feel down, knowing that the YMI stuff just isn’t as what I wanted them to be. Lousy.

I can say that it’s prob because of tiredness and lack of time. But then again, what’s up with the excuses? (I wonder what would happen if I’m working.)

And I’ve been having this habit of being late. Not estimating time well. Poor planning. Bad me.

Sighs. To better days ahead.

i’ve gotta feeling..

..that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night

And so that irritating song which is kinda meaningless (in terms of the principles of life I live by) is stuck in my head.

Well. Exams are unofficially over.
Left with one more paper, Pengajian Am 1 (objective), next Wednesday.

Today is supposed to be the day where I rejoice that it’s all going to be over, burden lifted off my shoulder..

But you know what?
Instead of feeling all nice and happy and jumpy, I feel lousy.
I feel as if I’ve not given my best into my exams.
Really.
I’ve not done much of my best.

In the midst of this week’s craziness, I wonder what I’ve been doing over the past one year.
How come I’ve never seen this thing before in my book one?
Why now only I fully understand this concept?

Really.
What have I been doing?

Sighs.

SPM, I knew it all.
Well, at least 80%?

STPM, it’s like 20% I know?
Hahha. No la. Not that bad right?
Maybe 40% la.

Oh well.

I know I can’t do anything, I can’t change anything,
but you know,

words are just words that are sometimes repeated too often until it makes no sense.

I guess it would take some time for my thoughts and all to settle down,
I know they will, but when, I don’t.

And if my results suck..
You know why, I know why.
We all know why.
And we all say why.

Hahaha.

US and, life.

Just when we thought that weekends were breathers for us, it turned out the other way. We end up tired, drained, and sometimes unable to finish up piles of homework.

Just when we thought we could handle them all, of course, with God’s help, we accepted all those responsibilities. Not even half way through it, we wonder why we took them up.

Just when we thought life as a Christian ain’t a bed of roses, we never expected life to be a bed of roses, plus the thorns. We doubt, we ask in our minds why we need to care so much of our studies, when all that counts is our relationship with God.

Just when we thought of how much we cherish and appreciate our friends, we find ourselves too tired to do anything. Too lazy to ask, to lazy to start that conversation.

We have our weekends loaded with church related activities.
We go to school and come back with more homework, more chapters to read, and more events to prepare for.

Then we head for tuition, thanking God that tuition isn’t an everyday affair and start planning what we should do after tuition.

The next day in school, we wonder how come everyone else knows what’s going on, while we rush to finish our forgot-to-do homework.

At home we try to study, but sometimes we just don’t feel like it.
We tell ourselves that we really need to study, time is really running out.

We end up staring at the same first two pages for hours.
We get so irritated with ourselves; we run to our bed, bury our face in our pillow, scream and start crying.
We journal and talk to God, then eventually fall asleep.

Comes another day, we lie on our bed repeatedly saying that we don’t want to go to school.
Why go to school when teachers constantly remind us of the coming exams, when we really…. haven’t studied?
It hurts our pride, it messes our life, it gets us irritated.

There are days when all we want is just some encouragement and a ear to listen too. We get upset when no one cheers us up. We get frustrated when people care, but not to our expectation: when they tell us what we should do, when we think we’ve them all under control.

We get emotional and just feel like not doing anything.

And being emotional, really, isn’t a very nice thing.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been through all those stormy and moody seasons.

And you know what, I’m still going through that now, but a slightly different one?

But I’m still surviving.

And barely.

Once again, reminding myself, to wait on Him.

His grace, strength and strength, and strength.

His strength itself, provides all that we need; sufficient, complete.

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